Waiting for Things to Mean Nothing, Waiting for Things to Happen

Sometimes songs are annoyingly perfect in what they achieve. I mean, if I ever wanted to write a song about similar sentiments, I just wouldn’t be able to match it. For example, the line “If I could be who you wanted, all the time” from the Radiohead song “Fake Plastic Trees” pretty much perfectly encompasses so many situations I’ve been in my life, and the way they’re so meekly said at the end. Such perfect words make me wish they were my own. It’s annoying when you find the perfect thing to say, but can’t really say it.

On another note, I'm really annoyed with myself lately. I've gotten to that stage in my life where all the problems that seem to be occurring or that aren't being solved are pretty much just because of myself. Refusing to act, setting ridiculous goals in the last minute that I know I won't be able to achieve. For example, I was given the weekend to finish my print making book. It's 2:52am on Monday, and I still haven't even opened it. Why am I doing this to myself? I can't figure out why, why procrastination is such an overwhelming force.

I haven't been writing in this blog recently, despite having plenty to talk about. It's because, over the last 2 months, I've been writing in my diary again. It's nice being able to write with absolutely no restraints in what I can or can't say, and I find it so much easier to write page after page when I'm in this frame of mind. So, in short, it's a little weird writing in this again. It's as if I've spent loads of time out stretching my legs, and have now gone back into a box. But this box is still fucking awesome, don't get me wrong.

Anyway: about the diary. I've had this since I was 13 years old, and started writing in it during the upcoming weeks where I knew I was going to be leaving school. I think this is why I've picked it up again, because school is going to end in...I'm not sure exactly how long, but I think in around 2 months. I'll be permanently departing from the place that I'd have been at for 4 years. That's what I was talking about when I said "setting ridiculous goals in the last minute that I know I won't be able to achieve". I feel there's so much to do, I was meant to have recorded a demo acoustic album to hand out by the end of this year, I was meant to have gotten over my weird social anxiety issues, I was meant to have a clear direction in my head of what exactly I want to pursue in my life (actually, I should rephrase that. I know what I want, just not how to get there).

I feel I need to do this now (specifically the album thing) because I'll never be seeing more than 90% of these people again, and I want to make something to be remembered by, that someone can take with them. I'll have to build social circles completely from scratch, something that I found hard when I first came to this school. I'm also having a gap year (if I go to university at all) and I can see my life completely diminishing around me without the social aspects of school or university life.

I still have good plans for that year, that I'm excited for. Me and Anthony are finally going to get Caged Monkey off of the ground, for one thing. We have so many ridiculous plans for this website, and it's gonna be great when we finally have it fully up and running. It'll be a site that'll have various flash cartoons (good ones), and also the Wobbly Bollock Podcast will move here. The website in of itself is planned to be a giant fun zone in various ways, but you'll just have to wait and see what we have planned.

Seeing as this blog is quickly just turning into an advertisement about loads of things that haven't seen the light of day, I'll also just say that I'm being involved in 2 shows at the moment. The first is a pretty big art show in East London, at a place called The Rag factory. Whoa, a Facebook event page! The 2nd thing is my first ever gig, that will be on the 14th of April at a place called Battersea Barge. There's no event page yet, but there will be this week, for all those who care.

That's probably enough. Started good, and just dissolved into boring stuff. Sorry.