Possibly boring stuff:
First off, GCSE results:
English Language: A
English Lit: B
Then 5 Cs in everything else, apart from ICT where I got a G and an F. Even this girl (I forget who it was) that was predicted an A got a D. The course seriously sucked. However, I gotta say the only thing I'm disappointed in is the B in maths. There's something wrong with that though, because I was predicted a B in the coursework but got the lowest possible mark to get a D, so the school is investigating 'cos apparently everyone got ripped off on the first coursework. But yeah, who cares really, it doesn't effect my life. Unless it stops me from getting into the Maths A level...which will probably be irrelevant if I get into the music one.
Actually, yeah, just thought I'd say, I'm not sure whether I want to do maths or music. I mean, obviously I'm more passionate about music but the course did seem difficult. I'm willing to learn but I can imagine regretting it a bit later, and then there's the fact that both Dom and Liam said that learning music as an academic subject put them off. And then maths, well, 2 of my good friends are gonna be in maths, plus I've actually studied it more than music. But I don't want a career in maths, I think. I don't know. I probably won't have to actually decide (as in, I'll only get into one of them).
I've been back at school for 3 days (starting last wednesday) and it seriously sucks so far. I'm willing to bet that 50% of this unpleasant feeling towards school is the fact that I'm very fucking ill and oh man, I've already thrown up twice at school (in the toilets) and I thought I was gonna fuckin' die on friday on the way home (so sorry Zak for not waiting for you). I'm pretty sure, however, that this illness is approximately 100% to do with sleep deprivation; on thursday I slept for 1 hour, and oh my god, waking up and the following day was a nightmare and I'm just glad that's over.
But yeah, the other reason school was not been good is because of the way they split the groups. Putting nearly everyone from the old class into one group and then me and 1 or 2 exceptions in the other group is seriously an annoying move, and the worst thing is when I asked to be moved they pretty much said "maybe" and left it at that, but they've left it too late because now if I'm moved people will be all "huh?". I sound like a bitch for complaining about this, but really, there's no reason why they can't move me except for general stubbornness when it comes to teachers admitting they're wrong or something. Gah.
We also haven't been doing much art, just basically getting to know each other etc, which is fine, but I hope we start doing real art soon that doesn't involve paper plates (and no, I'm not looking for a "what is art" debate thanks.)
Oh, another thing I should add, that do I like. A lot of the new people seem really interested and inspired by art, or at least some of them do, which is really nice.
I managed to finish (well, not finish, but at least make a presentable version) of my song for school, and was one of the only people to actually hand in something. It's all right, but low quality due to my general amateur knowledge in recording (I had crappy settings in audacity) plus the fact that I lack a good mic. But hey, it still sounds pretty awesome when listening with headphones due to stereo sound. Yeah.
http://www.myspace.com/jamberz here's a link to where you can listen to it if you so wish. I'll probably remove it soon when I record something better. I wish I could make it not sound like a teenage boy in his room with a guitar, but yeah, one day. I wanna make music like Kid A one day, or at least experiment with it. Listen and maybe add it as a friend if you wish. I'm not advertising it too much 'cos I wanna make something better before that.
To add to the whole music topic, I had the best listening experience of my life yesterday. I was walking to school listening to Pyramid Song and hadn't really listened to it for a long time, and man, when the drums and then orchestra kicked in, I was like "...holy shit". Definitely my favourite song of all time. I seriously think that listening to music while on the move makes everything sound better. Maybe it's the fact that when you exercise, your body releases endorphins, and walking is moderate exercise? That's just a completely random guess, it could be due to other things. Maybe out side scenery to look at just improves the overall experience? I don't know. Either way, it was great.
Another thing to note is that the song "I Didn't Understand" is really amazing, and I love the lyrics and how it's just his voice + backing vocals. My current 2nd favourite song from the album, a close 2nd to Independence day,but this song definitely hits harder emotionally. If there's one thing Smith writes really really fucking well, it's lyrics. Fucking hell I wish he wasn't dead. Speaking of fucking hell:
Yesterday I had quite a pathetic moment. Basically, it was 5am, everything was dark, and I was just lying in bed thinking about shit, and then I started thinking about death, and then I started reminding myself that it's gonna happen. Sounds stupid I know, but it's always one of those things that I assume just isn't going to happen, even though OBVIOUSLY it will. What I mean by that, uh, I'll give an example. I see an old person in a hospital, they're attached to a drip feed or whatever and they know that they are going to die soon. I think to myself "Oh man, thank god that isn't me; I wouldn't be able to cope." But the thing is, in 60, 70, 80 years, or less, it WILL be me. I AM going to be in that position, the only difference is time. Seriously, it terrifies me, and I know I've talked about this in my blog before, but really, it fuckin' terrifies me.
Then this whole shit of a thought led me to another fact: my cats, both of 'em, have already lived approximately half of their life. It's seriously saddening, my cats dying will probably be one of the most emotional breaking moments of my life (unless I die before them, but fuck that). The worst part was imagining having to put them down, and I was debating myself whether I could actually go through with it, and if so, if I could actually be the one that takes her down to the place, and if so, whether I could be in the room and watch while it happens. I think I managed to decide that I would indeed be in the room, and I'd be stroking her while it happens, but fuck.
Yeah, and then...well. I don't want to post this, and I'm not sure if I will while I'm typing it, but I'll type it anyway and possibly save it in a word document at least, but. I started randomly praying, praying to God to let me into heaven when I die, and that I was sorry for denying him and I asked for forgiveness. Then I felt the worst feeling I've had in a long time. It was that complete feeling of emptiness; I was talking to no one, no one could hear me, I was in the dark, and talking to nothing. I didn't feel anything. God couldn't hear me, he wasn't there to hear me, he wasn't anywhere to hear anyone. I realised, yes, I'm gonna die and rot in the ground and never experience consciousness again, and the same is going to happen to everything that I will ever love. Nothing's gonna save me. The best thing I can do is make the most out of my life, until I'm dust that isn't remembered by anybody.
Gah, and then this activates a chain of thoughts. Some people are content with this because they'll spread their genes and have kids and grand kids and great grand kids etc. But one day the sun's gonna burn out and then everything will be dark and dead. Like. Christ. I feel pathetic writing this, but y'know. It's like the elephant in the room for me, mentioning it makes me feel stupid because no one else is, or they don't mind it, but it's a massive fucking problem for me. And it's unavoidable, so I know people might say "there's no point arguing or trying to fix this problem, because it's inevitable so we might aswell just ignore it and get on with life" and they're right, but I find it very hard to avoid thinking about this. Plus, it's like I'm rubbing it in your faces, it's just a blog on blogspot anyway.
Basically, an effective summary of my blog is "the world isn't perfect. This makes Jack feel like being a drama queen" and it's very effective and accurate, but I still don't like it haha. FUCK. Why am I typing "haha". I'm typing bullshit now. I still want to type though, just to make a blog that's really long and that will put off people from reading it that don't give a fuck. But in some ways I do want the attention, but I'll feel very awkward knowing people read this and don't say anything. Too personal.
I guess the bright side to all this is that, thinking about it, more of my recent problems (school, being very ill, still constantly debating what I want to do with my life) seem very small now. I guess thinking about things on a grand scale is both helpful and depressing, it makes you realise that all your problems that you're having now really don't matter in the long run; I won't give a shit if Zak's not in my class in 3 years, I won't care if I don't know what to do with my life once I do know what to do. However, it also makes you realise that you're basically very insignificant, and no special power is going to save you from a fate that everyone will go through.
I've been listening to "I Didn't Understand" on repeat for ages now. Well, now I'm listening to "Last Flowers", another brilliant song. Realisation: (well, I actually think I've written about this before) I think I usually write blogs when I'm feeling down, which is why I've had such a massive gap of not writing anything. I've actually been feeling great over the summer, but being back at school I guess has made me not so great. I'm making it sound like I go to school in the lowest depths of Satan's lair; Brit's a great school, it's just that I'm off to a bad start already.
Michael Sandford is not in this blog. He certainly is not at all he seizures sometimes yes he does.
So I'm writing a new song, and I might record a demo like I did with the other one, maybe ask Liam for drums but I'd feel like I'm a bit, uh, dependent on him if I did that all the time. I also really need to start writing songs not based on gui- ok I've already written about this in this same blog; probably a sign that I've gone on long enough. I'm gonna post this whole cringe inducing blog now and maybe edit out the shit tomorrow.
Bye. This blog has 2008 words.