Saturday, 12 November 2011

Why is this here?

I'm glad I wrote this blog. But it really does show how much of my life I've spent being unhappy. I think there's some correlations here and there. I've said before how I only write when I'm sad, and that goes for music as well (or at least lyrics) and being creative in general. This year however was the year I've wrote in this least since starting it.

Does that mean it was my happiest year? In some moments it was probably the happiest I'd been since childhood. In fact the most I had to complain about was that I probably shouldn't have been enjoying it as much as I should, for the first few months, which I spent being a recluse and playing videogames. In fact there was a time where I literally didn't meet up with any friends or do anything for months, or even leave my house. I spent my days trying to finish that cartoon (which wasn't very good) up until December. Then I had nothing to do and no obligations for ages. And this is how I expected the year to last. And honestly this was quite a nice time.

But then, in March, Zak had his birthday meet up, and I met up with a bunch of old friends I hadn't seen for months. And I met a bunch of new people who I liked, whose company I enjoyed and who enjoyed my company. And I enjoyed myself quite a bit. So I decided to try and be more of a social and outgoing person from that moment onwards, and to integrate myself into that group. So I did, and it was fun. But I was constantly aware the whole time that this was just a passing thing, and I'd be leaving London to start a completely new life soon. So I could never completely just relish in my happiness, except May. May was specifically amazing. The holiday + some other stuff I can't really write here.

The thing is that I was fine with that before. Back in fuckin' January. My life was different. I had nothing going for me back here except dossing around for a year, which I wanted to do. But then I made the mistake of making it so I did have something going for me. It brought me happiness, then a coming sadness when that had to end. And I can't convince myself it was worth it. But I can't change anything now. I just have to build a life down here and hope it's as good. But the thing is, I find that so difficult. It was such an amazing system making the friends I'd made, because 1: I knew they were most likely cool people because they were already friends of 2 of my best friends, and 2: I could just instantly be myself around them because I am myself around my old friends.

I've always found it difficult communicating and making friends, but somehow I never really was this year until now. It's a horrible feeling. I thought I was cured, but it turns out I was just in a specific circumstance. And without that circumstance, I am unable.

But of course I haven't really gone into details with this blog. So I'm wondering what the point is of having this over something like a diary. Nobody reads it except me and maybe the occasional 1 or 2 other people, and whenever I want to write something down that really expresses how I am feeling, I get incredibly nervous that it'll be made public, and I refrain. I never used to be like this, as evident from earlier blog entries here.

Maybe I should just say. I am becoming pessimistic about life in general. But I think it's just the way I am. Being happy for a long period of time is a naturally hard thing for me to obtain. Why was I sad all those years ago? Nothing was really wrong. I spent a lot of time bored. But I feel bored is good for me, in that usually the only other alternative is sadness. Now things in my life are actually wrong and I wish I could go back even 6 months.

I think part of the problem is that, when I discovered how big life is, how important it is, and how short it is, I decided I wanted a lot more from it. And I never get that "lot more" that I decided I need. And I am currently at a dark time in my life. But I had such immense happy times such a short while ago. So I am at least understanding that you can never know what is around the corner, and how you are now can always change.

I retired my old blog when it got to the 100th entry. This is the 99th entry. The next and last entry will be my album, then I might move onto somewhere else. Myspace, Blogspot. What's next? Tumblr? Or nothing? I'll probably always keep writing. But it might just be on paper, in a book, that I keep by my bed.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Album is almost done

Here is a song from it.

Thursday, 9 June 2011

Vanishing Art

Warning: Another blog about art and its relation to death and loss! Sorry. I wouldn't say that those are the two things most on my mind, because they're not, but they are often motivators for me to write. I often write in weird solemn moods, which is another problem with my music. I can seem like such a sad sack, but it is because sadness for some reason leads to expression for me. But that is only within writing and music. It is usually feeling active or direct inspiration from something else that makes me want to draw or animate. That's kind of weird to me.

I just felt like writing what a tragedy it is that Elliott Smith died when he did. From a Basement on the Hill was probably his most interesting and inspired period of song writing and experimentation, and it's really horrible that it was never finished. The version released is a fragment, a rough stitching of a few incredible ideas. Then we have some of the amazing unreleased tracks from it: See You In Heaven, True Love, Stick Man.

But the version he was going to create, that kind of White Album inspired thing will never come to pass, most of the songs were never finished, and any concrete idea of what it could have been vanished when that knife went in his chest.

The thought of something like that being lost in an instant is definitely a powerful force in making me document my thoughts, art, music etc. Sometimes it is a comfort that something is within my brain and is mine and only mine. But I feel uncomfortable over the thought of it being lost.

Friday, 27 May 2011

Art as expression

I'll start off first by talking about the motivation for this blog. I was reading about the context surrounding the album "Young Prayer" by Panda Bear. It was written and recorded in the room his father died in, and was written and recorded whilst his father was sick. It was made mostly for him to listen to, to know that his son was proud and grateful for having him as a dad. To quote him:

With Young Prayer, I wanted to tell him that he had taught me really well. I wanted to be like, ‘It’s been really good hanging out and learning from you, you’ve been a really good man and set a good example’.
And this started making me think about hypothetically being in a similar situation. I've always been sort of nervous about using art as an expression directed at someone specific for them to hear, because they might not like or get it. What I mean as that for example with music, 90% of what I love and would like to create would just seem so alien to my parents, I think. The Panda Bear album that sparked this thought for example is mostly just him softly strumming a guitar while singing high falsetto notes with incomprehensible lyrics. It's beautiful to me, like meditation music. But if I made something similar for a dying parent, they really wouldn't appreciate it properly.

Maybe that's besides the point. Maybe it's just the fact that his son makes music and has kind of found himself and what he wants to do with his life, rather than the actual product. I guess that's cool. I guess it's just always the sentiment that's more important, "it's the thought that counts" etc.

I just wanted to write about that.

Monday, 14 March 2011

My Music

I have been wanting to make an album (or EP if I don't make enough stuff) this year, and am basically in the writing process. I'm kind of...half suffering writer's block, and half not. I have been having many ideas in my mind of the musical direction, structure of the record, the kind of songs and styles that would go together. But the actual y'know, writing, has been slow. I'm also not entirely sure whether to make it too much of a mish mash, even though it probably wouldn't end up like that unless I really was ambitious. But so far I plan for this to have a largely minimilist electronic sort of sound (think James Blake) with shoegaze guitars. That was my main thing I wanted to combine, aswell as writing instrumental piano pieces and even some classical guitar songs (very much inspired by Sun Kil Moon's latest album, which is beautiful).

The main problem I think I'm having, is that I am finding success writing the acoustic guitar based tracks, because it is a familiar outlet for me. But the main focus of what I wanted the album to be (the electronics + shoegaze mix) I am not really getting places as fast as I should. It's because it's all new to me, so that's fine, or would be if I didn't feel I have to get this done by September (university starts then) or just not get it done at all. It's quite tough, but I mean, recording music by yourself is never easy. I have only recorded 3 songs that I would call decent (and even then I'm not hugely proud of them) and now I'm expecting myself to write an album's worth?

Is this the problem? Should I take a less structured approach and just focus on the songs themselves, and just enjoy the experimentation and song writing without worrying about the amount produced? I'd answer yes, if I didn't feel I won't have an opportunity like this for a long time, maybe even ever again.

Wednesday, 2 March 2011


Hey, it's 2011 now. Has been for like 2 months, but I'm just mentioning this while looking at the date of my last blog. I don't know why I don't write as much, but it undoubtedly has something to do with the fact that I am often inspired to write while feeling low, and I've been in that weird limbo period between feeling low and feeling happy for a good while now. I think it's what most people feel like most of the time. It's that weird place of just being content, which means I am not sad or excited enough to want to create anything, which is bad for me. I guess it's mostly a good thing, but I kind of regret not documenting things. I pretty much haven't touched my diary since July, and when I did, it was pathetic. I tried on 3 different days to finish 1 entry, and got about 50 words done. So yeah, should probably start that up again.

Decided I am going to go to university next year, so I applied to do animation and have interviews for everywhere I applied, though some I am not going to go because I've already gotten into one of my top choices (they accepted day after interview which was nice). Not sure if this is interesting to anyone. I've voiced disappointment in the way my life is going in the past, the fact that I don't feel there is any university course that is worth persuing to do what I really want to do in life (even that is vague and uncertain, I just want to live off art of my own in any medium), but I think this is definitely for the best. Because it will be fun. It's a nice form of independence where you have semi long periods of living away from home, before going back there and alternating between the two and getting the best of both worlds.

This sure is a piece of shit blog. I can't write in this thing without feeling it's being read by people who I don't want to read it anymore. I don't know why that is. Looking back on old entries, I used to be stupidly honest. It's actually quite surprising how I would just write as if there wasn't a possibility of people reading it, but it's so much easier that way. You don't have to read over and say "I should include that". You just do. I need to start doing that again, but not here.

It seems that even though it's been a few months, I still don't know what to say. I guess my life isn't changing enough to make interesting words. Oh! I met Bown and Bibilo. That was a big thing for me, because I got to see that text on a screen actually exists IRL! I am wording that stupidly on purpose. But yeah, I never really liked writing what I do on this blog, rather than what I think, and I don't think I've changed much in that regard.

I plan to go into more detail of these in a separate blog soon (I guess a summary of 2010), but for now, here's 2 small lists:

Top Albums of 2010 (no order):

Janelle MonĂ¡e - The Arch Android
Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti - Before Today
Charlotte Gainsbourg - IRM
Arcade Fire - The Suburbs
Sleigh Bells - Treats

If I had to pick it would be The Arch Android for my favourite.

Still haven't checked out the latest Sun Kil Moon album though.

Albums I am liking so far of 2011 (no order):

Radiohead - The King of Limbs
James Blake - James Blake
Yuck - Yuck

If I had to pick...nah, too early to tell. All English albums so far!