I always feel like shit - featuring random thoughts

I don't know why, I guess that I just do. Ok, so I quoted Elliott Smith lyrics again, but they're strangely relevant this time. Well, they're usually relevant, but anyway. Yeah. I feel terrible all the time for the past week or two. I haven't had a really good day in ages, I think the last time I had really great days was when I had Zak and Anthony round, and we stayed up all night then got our results the next day. There was some strange significance about that moment, it was the whole fuzzy "these are my two best friends" feeling. I really didn't give a shit about anything else (including the results) because I was kind of thinking "So, what came out of these two years? These 2 best friends. Don't really need any more." Type of thing. I remember, I just loved the journey there. Going on the bus and train with friends is so great. It's little things like that that I need more of.

I've become kind of ever so slightly depressed since year 12. I feel better now than at the start, but yeah. One of the worst things is that people apparently notice. About 3 people have said how depressed I look, and these have been at particularly undepressing moments, too. I hate it how people can apparently read me so easily, and I'm so unaware that anyone can actually think of how I might be feeling before they say it. Or at least I was. I'm having reoccurring thoughts of "oh shit, better not act too depressed" and try to look more interested or whatever, but it fucking sucks how I have to suddenly think of my body language now, I just want to walk around without thinking. It also sucks how I'm so easily read, I don't really understand but it's pretty creepy.

So yeah, the main thing is that I'm wondering if I'll make any really great new friends this year. In the beginning of year 10, I didn't have any friends (who really has new friends on the first day of a new school anyway I guess) but by the end I made some of the best friends I've ever had, and had more friends then in my old school. But now that most of them have left, I'm not so sure. I feel like I won't be able to relate to a lot of people, because they seem like the kinda hipster kid popular type crowd that I can't really relate to, but at the same time I feel like a fucking idiot for being so judgmental to a whole group of people. I guess it's understandable though, I mean, I just feel like an outcast. It's not like I'm saying "these guys can't be my friends", it's more "if we were friends, we probably wouldn't want to do the same things".

I guess I just, even more than I used to, feel alienated from my generation. I don't like the music everyone my age likes, I don't really do what everyone else my age does, I don't really think l- argh, I feel so stupid while writing this. It's like I'm just writing "LOOK! I'M DIFFERENT!" and spreading it over multiple words. But y'know shut up it's my blog etc. I'm struggling with what to write as it is. There's not exactly anything that I'd disagree with in this blog either, thinking about. I just get an apparent embarrassment when writing about myself, because I'm like "no, stop saying that, you're making yourself look stupid" and instead of editing what I say, I just write down what I felt while writing that...Kinda. But yeah, I should point out that I'm not trying to "distance myself" from other people because I think they couldn't ever be friends with me, it's that I can't think of anything to talk to or say to them when I'm with them and it's probably some weird kind of social problem I have that's gotten worse as I've gotten older. I just completely lock up and it's horrible. I can't speak to some people and I can't just go up to someone when they're by themselves and just talk to them, 'cos I feel awkward and shit and now I'm rambling about nothing again. Well, it is something, but I'm calling it nothing to make it seem not important.

Can't be bothered writing coherently anymore, sorry.

Random thoughts:

Michael Sandford is good.

I really am terrible at spelling words that use two of the same letter together, like embarrassing, millennium etc. Things like that.

I'm calling this random thoughts because of a thread on a Michael Jackson forum.

It's 4am. Last night I went to bed at 1am. I've, again, ruined my sleeping pattern within one day. The funny thing is that it's entirely the fault of this blog.

I've tuned both my guitars so that they're C chords when played open, but can't be bothered to tune 'em back.

When the hell are Bioshock 2 and Half Life 2: Episode 3 at least gonna have some news about them? I need these 2 games because I want something to get me back into gaming; it's such a great time waster. I spend far too much time with my mind engaged, I need to just think of NOTHING again.

I love my cats. I was watching that scene in Dumbo where he meets his mother and her trunk cuddles him and then all the animals in the zoo are cuddling each other etc, and it just made me want to cuddle my cats. That made me sound like a weirdo that did.

I keep looking around my room for random thoughts.

There's a secret section on the previously mentioned Michael Jackson forum. It's called "He Drives Me Wild". Need I say more?

I will probably never finish Alien Potato.

I'm at the awesome part of King of Carrot Flowers parts 1 & 2.

MAH BAWS ARE BOUT TO BURST, KIRSTY!

I'm never going to kill myself. This is the most random of thoughts, but no matter how depressed I get, I won't do it. It's because I know there's nothing more than this, and feeling something is better than feeling nothing (unless it's HELL. Or BURSTIN MAH BAWS KIRSTY!).

I have a new found passion for black olives. Seriously, they're so delicious. I used to hate them as a kid, but not when I get subway I just completely drown my sub in olives. It's delicious.

I've just realised that I have sheet music to every song on Radiohead's first 6 albums. That rules.

I'm going to get the new sonic game for 360, possibly the Wii one as well. I don't do this because I think the game's gonna be good, but because I'm a ridiculous sack of shit that is a whore for a franchise that hasn't been good since 1998. I'm sorry, ok?

The X Factor is seriously boring once everyone bad leaves, and the audition process is over. I still watch it anyway though, because eating dinner and watching the X Factor with family is just great.

I like my family a lot.

I need to meet Ugmoers one day, especially Dom. I need to meet Dom so he can't hear me, but in real life!

I'd hate to have a little brother that's more socially successful and just more popular in general. This is a reason why I feel sorry for Zak, haha.

I wonder who reads this blog. Except me, Dom, and people I link it to. I wish I could know. If you read my blog, comment it saying "I read it".

I never want to work a job that wouldn't be part of my career choice. I'd love to just become a musician and get discovered straight away. I mainly think this cos all work and no play makes Dom a dull wants to someone.

I'm listening to Nightmares on Wax, cos the album I have of there's comes after In The Aeroplane Over the Sea.

I could keep doing this forever.